Temper....

I dunno, sometimes I could kick myself. I do such stupid things at times - just because I don't think before I open my mouth. You, the reader - you're human, you must do these things as well. I just got into a stupid, stupid 2 minute spat at work, and I could just kick myself. It was so careless - needless, pointless. It upset people and there was no need for it, I was just blowing off steam I guess. It wasn't as if I was expressing some kind of die-for point of view, and there was no need to get so.. uppity about it all. I'll have to do the apology bit tomorrow, which I may not enjoy but I will do. It just got me thinking about tempers. I come from a family that's way too ready to express themselves, to hell or high water about what the other person thinks. If you grow up in that kind of atmosphere, it's a life long struggle to hold on to a temper that's way too quick to boil over. Lots of people will tell you to count to ten or stuff, but you can't count to ten if the thought of doing so doesn't occur to you, because you're too busy yelling out what you think. As if what any one person thinks is that important anyway, I believe life should be lived in the consensus. You have to care for the people around you, what they think and feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm still the baby elephant, trampling around in heedless idiocy.
What's sort of weird about this is that I grew up clumsy - big, even as a kid, and with very bad motor control. I constantly fell over, still do to this day. Walk in to things, fall, have to keep my eyes glued to the ground as I walk to avoid tiny little things that other people skip over. And I sometimes feel that what forms my physical being influences my personality - only instead of bumping into tables etc, I bump into people psychically! It's almost as if I'm so big that its a struggle to get moving, so once I'm in motion it's more difficult for me to stop so - bang, I've bumped in to something. And if it's difficult to get my body in motion, then it's like my mouth goes off by itself, bang disconnect from brain, bang open, bang stuff comes out - and fifteen minutes later, I'm there thinking ****!, I've done it again!