Thursday 14th May

Ah well, I thought this day would never come - but it's nearly over! Today I left my job, voluntarily, in the middle of this huge recession - but it's all planned. Shortly I will fly - yep, fly to Glasgow, to look for somewhere to live, then come back, organise it all, move, and start the hunt for work. I feel a touch anxious about it all, but I'm pleased that I've reached the point where I get started on all of this. But my God, such an awesome day! I can't describe how I felt when I was going round the office saying goodbye to people - I'd left it a bit late and there were a few that had gone already, which was a shame and I'm sorry I missed you! But all day I've been feeling really almost overwhelmed by the whole leaving thing. I don't think I could put it into words verbally to communicate to people, I mean this is the place I've been going to and from at all hours of the day and night for more than the last five years. These people have been part of my family, so to speak, my sisters. And like all families we spat from time to time, but what's new? Who is ever entirely happy in the circumstances of their work? I count myself luckier than most that I've worked with people I've loved, and the work that I did was both interesting and made a difference to people's lives. You can't say better than that.
Anyhow, on to new things. Well sort of, I've got a leaving do to get through first...! Best take a packet of tissues with me I think!!!!

Tuesday 5th May

Well for May it's rather cold and dull and overcast out there. I thought we were supposed to be having a 'barbeque' summer - clearly it's not started yet.
Anyhow, I'm working my notice at work now, and I've got my place at Uni, all confirmed and everything. I feel like I've gone mad on the internet, checking flats for rent, contacting letting agents, booking hotels, booking flights, going absolutely crazy getting photographic id for the plane.. madness has descended on my head. On top of this I've also been booking the local bowling hall for a works related leaving do! Yep, I know you're not supposed to do it yourself, but I live closest and I've done it before for another night out so I sort of know my way about their system.
Anyhow I haven't really time to go in to any of this in detail so to speak - but at the same time I need to be able to go Yay, it's all coming together!!!!

Saturday 4th April 2009

Well I'm getting sort of used to the idea that I'm not going to be at Women's Aid for very much longer. For those of you who don't know I'm hoping to go back to Uni, initially to do an MLitt, and then hopefully on to a PhD. I feel a bit weird writing this, because I've only just sent the application form off, and whilst everyone keeps telling me I'm going to be fine, I still feel very nervous about it, and it's a don't count your chickens thing. Yet at the same time, I'm so excited about it! I want to be up and at it, get it all started - but if everything goes according to plan, it's only going to be a couple of months before I really do start getting started.
My plan is to leave WA at the end of May, nip up to Glasgow and find somewhere to live, shoot back and get myself moved - and then (obviously!) to find some work, and get settled. It's going to be sad as well - leaving everyone down here. It's really odd how now it's getting closer I'm getting very jittery about the family - not being able to just nip over to see them. We've sort of done the whole 'oh but you'll come and visit' thing, but you know how it is. When people are further away, you have to plan stuff, and fit things in - it's more difficult and complicated. And then friends! It's almost the same as with the family. But I'm pretty good at keeping in touch with people, or I hope that I am, and I'm going to be using this blog and the old Facebook thing to keep people aware of what I'm doing - hopefully they'll still be interested!

So, as I said, I've uploaded the old application form. This happened on Thursday, and almost gave me a heart attack - my form's all completed and I'm going through it for a final check, and before I was properly ready I hit the submit button by accident, and this legend pops up to say withdraw now, or you can't withdraw this at all, and having moved from calm to frenzied panic in about 2 seconds, of course I hit the withdraw button. It's at that point I discover that it's obliterated all of my uploaded documents and I then have to spend about two hours uploading the whole lot all over again, and double checking everything - bloody internet. It's revolutionised life all right, but things happen so blasted quickly!
So having to do all this made me late going to bed, and then I didn't sleep properly, I was too 'Oh God do you think it's all there?' not to mention the 'They're going to look at this and just laugh at my temerity in suggesting I'm a fit person to do this!' - the whole gamut of well let's just give up now and crawl back into my hole. But it seems it has arrived after the millisecond or so journey through cyberspace, and they say that it only takes 3 weeks to hear something, so well fingers crossed. Needless to say I was then absolutely exhausted by the time four o'clock on Friday arrived, and I could go home - yep, another trip to the post office, but after that I went home and sat down with a cup of tea and drifted off to sleep and before I know it, Channel 4 news is on. So I obviously was very tired, and needed to sleep.
Happily I'm now back to my normal self, and yes, coming to terms with these things that I've planned to do. It's not as simple as when you're twenty and you think oh yes, I'll just go and do X, Y or Z. At my age, you have to accustom yourself to the idea and plan for it, rather than pack a backpack and go! And it's sort of almost an out of body experience to be doing these things and thinking to myself, we're in the middle of this big recession, and you're voluntarily giving up your job to go to university???! What are you doing Woman??!! But I know it's the right thing. It's that internal thing that says yes, you do feel comfortable with this. It's not fear keeping you awake at night, it's excitement. The itch to get started. And that's got to be good.

4th March 2009

Gosh it's been so long since I posted anything on here - but over the next year, I'm sure that I will be, big changes coming this year I hope!
Anyhow so what's new right now? Nothing much, I'm doing my university applications, and getting there slowly but surely. Catch up with you soon!

Weds 14th January 2009

I'm trying to get my head round this whole 2009 thing. It somehow seems like I shouldn't actually be alive in a year thus dated, but here I am... I keep expecting someone to deliver my silver catsuit and tell me this is what I should be wearing from now on, but given the current state of the old bod, it's probably just as well they're not compulsory. As it is, I'm very happy in my old jeans and sloppy jumper!
So what else is new with me? Facebook actually, I finally got round to using this properly, and seem to have collected a few friends and have just about got my head around how you go about doing things - I think. I'm still trying to work out how to make things like new photo's appear on my 'wall' - it's all very confusing. If you're my age that is.
So I thought it's about time I told you what I'm reading right now. At this particular point of time, I'm sort of getting over my first flush of falling in love with Andrea Camilleri's Inspector Montalbano, i.e., I'm waiting for the next box of books to turn up from ye old Amazone. Have you ever noticed how long it takes some boxes to get to you? I feel like I've been waiting forever for these to turn up. Anyhow in the meantime I'm making do by reading Little Dorrit - which I'm finding curiously exciting. No, seriously. I pick it up and start reading and find myself unable to put it down. I couldn't say in what way it differs from the tv, but perhaps it's the depth of characterisation that you necessarily don't get by the devil screen, or it could be that for the first time I'm actually getting a grip on where Rigaud appeared from - I missed the first episode on the goggle box - but I feel like I understand it much better. Since - ok, confession here, this is the first Dickens I've ever actually read, I do feel like I should read more. This has got to be a good thing. Anyhow waiting to be read is (are) Philip Tetbury's Expert Political Judgment. I heard him on the radio, and had to get the book - it's one of those things that makes you feel as if it will revolutionise the way you think about judgment. The sort of judgment that politicians come out with - "This is the end of recession" type judgment, "Sadam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction" type of judgment. I find myself buying this sort of thing from time to time, and reading them feeling that they're going to change the way that I think, and I have to say, 9 times out of 10, being deeply disappointed. However, we'll see.
Anyhow also on the waiting list is Michael Holroyds' Strange Eventful History, the dramatic lives of Ellen Terry and Henry Irving. I'm not 100% sure about this, since it turned up, I've been sort of eyeing it with what I might describe as a wary eye - did I actually buy this? Do I really want to read this? What on earth came over me? That sort of thing. We'll see. It might turn out to be riveting. On the other hand, I find myself strangely disconcerted by the cover which is all navy blue and silver stars. Intersecting circles - no doubt deeply appropriate, in fact I'd go so far as to say absolutely appropriate, but somehow disconcerting at the same time. Predictably disconcerting? Now there's an interesting thought....

Sunday January 4th

It's been a good holiday - went really very well. Then it was back home, and back to work - being as the Helpline works 365 days of the year, I ended up doing the night shifts on Weds, Thurs and Friday - I'm not really into New Year, so I'm quite happy to work them. It was certainly busy enough!
So there's this whole New Year thing. I actually agree wholeheartedly that this setting of unrealistic goals - resolutions, is setting yourself up for failure, and I find it hard to believe that resolving to do something at a particular time of year makes it any easier to achieve. I believe you do things when you feel that the time is right, and your determination is spurred on by the realisation that something needs to be changed. I.E, you start a diet because you can't get into a favourite piece of clothing, or you've stepped on the scales to find your weight has unexpectedly increased. It horrifies you, and that sense of shock contributes towards your determination to achieve the weight loss. You don't say to yourself, oh I'll wait for January the 1st and then I'll start dieting!
Anyhow, the reason for all this musing on resolutions and determination is because I have some pretty huge changes planned for this year, and it's nothing to do with loosing weight. My mother's death has enabled me to make some changes, to hopefully go back to uni and perhaps even get that PhD that I've always sort of had in the back of my mind. It's quite a long road to be setting out on, because I'll need to start off with something that's going to bring my degree up to date! I have a sense of freedom about this, because essentially I can choose where I go to - but at the same time I have to choose wisely because I can't simply afford to make a wrong choice. I've sort of decided that this year will be spent in choosing where to go, moving, getting myself onto the right course to update my qualifications - I've got nine months to do this in, but of course, way less than that because I have to apply etc. I've sort of made my decision, only I have to finalise it - have to start that application process, and get accepted for one thing. So watch this space, there's lots of changes coming!

Sunday 21st December

Well I'm not going to write anything about Mum, because it's all personal kind of stuff. We're still all coming to terms with it, and trying to cope with the very idea of Christmas which frankly feels odd. We're having it at home, in Mum's home that is, the last time we'll have a 'family' home to have things like Christmas in. Anytime after this, it's going to be celebrating at a specific family member's home, rather than the family home, so it's sort of momentous and incredibly sad. Yet I'm determined not to get swept away by all this, life is for living and I think also Mum would get very upset if she thought we couldn't cope with this. After all, she spent so much of her life trying to bring us up to cope with anything life might throw at us, and ok, the big test thing is here - now we are all truly adults, we have no parents left and it leaves you feeling quite strange. I feel stupidly small, for all that I'm fifty years old.
Anyhow, just to throw something else into the mix, this year, fate has seen fit to give me - yep, you guessed it, a winter bug. Not the vomiting variety, no ho, I almost feel I could cope with that. No, it's the other variety, which means I've not been able to get out of the house for any time, or distance since about three weeks ago. Or at least that's what it feels like. Every one's Christmas presents have been grabbed off a shelf in Sainsbury's in a flying visit - either that, or off a website of some kind (happily everything has arrived!) and I have stuff from the doctor to use in extremis. So come either later on Tuesday, or Weds, my sister and I are going to go do the Xmas shopping - the food shopping that is, at a nice local supermarket with facilities! Now I know you're all out there, shaking your heads at that appalling thought - I'm intending to buy food and cook it whilst suffering from this? Well yes. I've spoken to the Doctor. I've checked it all out. I have the largest quantity of germ destroying hand sprays, cleaners and wipes that you can imagine. I've also been assured that whatever bug it is that I've got, it's of low infectivity. And my family are all healthy adults. So I feel it's safe to pick up stuff that's wrapped in plastic, boxed etc, and if I can't cook it, then I'm sure that we'll come to some sort of arrangement. And the one blessing of all this is that I can still eat, in fact I actually think if I couldn't I'd be in the local hospital by now. I've been very careful to keep myself hydrated, over the past couple of weeks barely a moment has gone past without my having a cup of something to hand - and whoever it was at Birt and Tangs who came up with their Ginger tea bags, thanks. I've really enjoyed them over the past while! Ginger tea, Blackberry and Nettle tea, ordinary tea - what a wonderful thing tea is. Yay, lets here it for tea...