Thursday 7th June 07

Well I've clearly got the blog bug this week - no bad thing!

I've just been watching the G8 conference news - they're announcing some kind of 'major agreement' on climate change. Sounds to me as if they've all sat there in the room, done a lot of mouthing of great words no doubt, and come up with a bit fat zero. I don't care how much 'agreement' they announce. Until they agree to dates, amounts, and a means by which they're going to achieve it, they are paddling the rest of us down one hell of a mucky river in a canoe that's leaking like a colander. Absolutely you can't do anything until you bring China and India into it, but exactly what efforts are they making to do that? Frankly there will never be a solution to this until we give up this daft idea of nation states, and settle down to a federated globe, one where essentially each 'nation' has a single vote, and the minority agree to abide by a majority vote. Individual parliaments can control all of speed laws and tax laws that they like, but on global issues like climate change, something has to be done, and whilst certain parties sit there and refuse to do anything until you include countries that they don't appear to give the time of day to, then frankly I suppose the rest of us had better get on with it. Then at least as we're all either drowning, frozen to death or blasted out by desserts appearing on the Quantocks, we can at least have the satisfaction of saying we told you so. Well I'm sure you get the idea.

So.. food. Yep it's obsessing me right now. I am trying to get myself into a frame of mind where I can start a reducing diet. I was actually talking about it at work today, which is quite a new development. There was only the three of us, and I thought it was interesting how my colleagues took subtly different approaches. Colleague A was proposing the psychological approach - was it my childhood/parents/family attitude that caused the problem? Colleague B was head on you've got to exercise more. Both of them are right of course. But I did feel ever so slightly - I don't know how to put it, not browbeaten or anything like that. We're talking about nice women here who wouldn't browbeat a fly! Just - actually, really like I was running out of excuses. Now isn't that interesting? Colleague B isn't the worlds most active individual, but she cycles to work, and wants to know why I couldn't. Actually that really is a non-starter - I have very little sense of balance, and am tottery on two feet from time to time. I'd be under the wheels of a lorry in no time! But I did think what the hell, I could get off the bus the stop before the one that I need to get off at. Particularly coming home - given the state of my legs right now, I'd not make it to work if I did it on the way to work! I will say that I did use the stairs at work more than I normally would - points there I think, but I got the bus home with a friend, and another acquaintance got onto the bus on the way home. I couldn't have got off to walk ahead of my stop without giving offence, so I excuse myself from that at least. Tomorrow I'm doing a night shift, so I have the day to myself - I have to go post a packet to a customer, so that's good for a walk. Perhaps I'll take the camera with me, and go on a photo stroll.

Food wise, I've had a funny day so far. I had hard boiled egg sandwiches and a few crisps for lunch - not a single biscuit has passed my lips, which is good. Supper has been a bacon sandwich - I cannot bring myself to throw good food away. Wholemeal bread, and no butter, so I think that's not as bad as it could be. I have found what looks to be quite a good website for diets etc, and I'm going to sign up for their programme. I was impressed by their menu plans which seemed to be very sensible. Oh, I've also had a good couple of glasses of cranberry and pomegranate juice, and a few cups of coffee. One thing that we did seem to agree on at the office was that I should keep a food diary. I think that if I have a good look at what I am eating, when, and where I'm eating it, I may be able to draw some conclusions. Perhaps I should also keep a note of when I actually feel hungry as well. But I can't face the idea of starting to weigh food. I don't eat big portions of things - well not everyday food at any rate, but perhaps I'm wrong there, and I should weigh and measure. It makes the heart sink. I don't have any scales, and I'm sure if I did, my heart would just sink. Perhaps next payday I'll go buy myself some scales. It does strike me as a good idea to actually set a date to start dieting from, to eat up most of my bad food in the meantime so that it's gone and out of temptations reach. And to keep that diary.

You see I think at the end of the day that I'm very comfortable being big. It's safe. It's always been safe, it keeps me out of harms' way. In the past I've done an awful lot of thinking about this, and I have some very good ideas about why I am the way I am. This may sound like quite a whinge fest, but I'm very intelligent, and an awful lot of people are very frightened of someone who's intelligent, and unafraid of speaking their mind. I've often thought to be thin and attractive on top of that would simply be too much. I've had to spend so much of my life dodging people's jealousies, and envy - learning how to appease them so that they'll talk to me. I'm not ducking the issue - I've had to learn how to be very upfront about speaking out at times because if I didn't get pro-active about it, I would never speak. People don't seem to instinctively like me - does that seem odd? It's just that I frighten them. If you knew anyone who knew me, they would tell you I'm just alarming, and I don't seem to be able to control it. It's hard to reign in your thinking to a speed most people operate at, and my mouth runs off at time. When someone's said something that you think is well, stupid, it's hard not to just react! Brains run at their own speed, think about when you're playing a game, and you have to try to answer a question quickly! It's hard! You get tense and tetchy, especially if it's some kind of exam where the response counts. For me, it's like how do I lock down my mouth and stop that instant response that's coming out like a sneeze, and yet at the same time I'm thinking I must say something, anything, be part of this!

I think at the end of the day it's because that's how we were brought up - these incredible arguments and fights that would go on. You either said something, anything, and became part of it, or the juggernaut rolled over you and left you crushed and metaphorically bleeding on the floor. People - the family - knew exactly where to place the needle they were going to drive into the most tender part of you. The mouth was the only armour you had, and you learnt to place it strategically and ram it home before anyone else did it to you. Personally I called it the dialectical method of child rearing. At the end of the day, food was comfort and safety and security. It never shouted, it never hurt, it only felt good. So in a sense, food became my lover before I even knew what that was - it was too late for me by maybe eight or so years old. The pattern was set and ingrained - it was the first thing I sought when I came in at night, and the last thing I looked for before I went to bed. Personally, I seem to be deeply lacking in self control, never learnt it as a child, and now as an adult it may be too late. But I suppose since I am still capable of thinking in this way, perhaps it's not too late just yet. If one can think, one is capable of learning - it's just a very hard lesson that's all.