Thursday 25th September
Well... doing a night shift last night, and come the very wee small hours, I had the pleasure of catching President Bush doing his "We are on the verge of total destruction" speech. Now Bush isn't my favourite among world leaders, but right now he's doing a lot better than the German Finance Minister, who made it to the small box by blaming the US and guess who, of course, the Brits, for the current state of his own country's economy. It seems to me (and I ain't no expert) that whatever, we're in for a long recession.
Now my experience of previous recessions indicates we should all get ourselves ready. This means a sudden and unexpected return of Walton chic - layered clothing including pinafores, in cheesecloth, perfect for digging up the front garden to plant a crop of - well whatever you'd like to plant in your front garden. Anything we planted in ours is only likely to give us toxic poisoning of some variety given the traffic past the front door - in the course of last night I also learnt that when Beluga Whales die in the St Lawrence Waterway, the Canadian Government has to dispose of the carcass as being toxic waste, such is the level of pollution in the said waters. Poor little things, they're not doing anything different from what they did before, it's simply that we've adopted their home as the worlds busiest shipping lane.
Anyhow, recession also means you'll need to paint everything brown. Or a shade of brown. This is what we did in the 70's - you'll be out there working so hard to maintain any grip on your overdraft you won't have time to clean. Brown, grey or some shade thereof, will prevent embarrassment when the neighbours drop round for that essential glass of homebrew. Yes, the lurking menace of a home based brewery experiment will also return, threatening life and limb every time you open the cupboard under the stairs. I'd warn you about the smell as well, but - well some people like the tang of mashed hops.
Recession also strikes me as renowned for men wearing velvet jackets. Now the navy blue one's weren't that bad, but brown? No, no, no. Recession is also a time where what was a casual act of financial stupidity - such as the one I've just made, pitches you into financial disaster. What have I done you ask? Well there was this jacket on Ebay that I rather liked the look of, and when I last looked at it, looked as if it was going to fit and be lovely - but the listing had expired, and when it was relisted of course I hurled a bid on frantically without reading the item specifics. Now I learn it's at least four to five inches too small around the bust. Ah well, hopefully I will be outbid... if not I may be going in to the second hand clothing business. Another aspect of recession you may need to become overly familiar with. Knitting for example, will move from the charming hobby that you can carry with you, to the essential task for next school term, and where the hell has it got to? Yes kids, the home knitted school sweater is bound to make a come back, let's just hope things don't sink to the point where your mum needs to unpick last years and match the yarn in to this's. You'll love that feeling of tautness around the armpits. However bad it makes you feel it will be as nothing to the embarrassment of your smaller siblings having to grace the beaches in a home knitted swimming costume. And remind me one of these days to explain the arts of home-shoe repair. You wondered why we wore platforms and wedges? Why we tottered? It had everything to do with the fact you couldn't actually wear a platform sole through.
Anyhow I have to go. John Boy is tap tap tapping on the window ledge and the foreclosure men are at the door. Recession is here for the foreseeable future, and I wonder what joys it's going to bring with it this time.
